Final draft as of oct 16
1. It's late at night and the sister opens the refrigereator to get cheese sticks out of the refrigereator.
2. Once the door closes on the sister. The brother scares the sister and she drops the cheese sticks. Now the sister is upset with the brother.
3. The sister looks back into the refrigerator and there is no more cheese sticks.
4. The sister runs around with the brother and jumps on top of him and tries to launch a cheese stick down his throat
5. The brother shakes and gets the sister off of him and runs to the refrigerator.
6. The brother frantically searches the refrigerator for another cheese stick.
7. Another cheese stick is found by the brother and then he runs upstairs after the sister telling him to go away.
4 comments:
I like the fact that she tries to launch cheeses sticks down his throat. There are a lot of creative ways to do this with animation (slingshot...nerf gun). However, I do think that the story needs more of a climax. I know he searches frantically for one...but how are you going to let the audience know the turning point? do you see her in the background? I think that something a little more dramatic needs to happen so that the climax has more of an impact in the story (the main character making the change in the story). Otherwise, I think you have almost everything pinned out...just a bit more detailing.
I agree with Anne, the cheese stick down the throat is classic. I also agree that there should be a little bit more to show the turning point. Maybe the sister threatens to go tell mom and walks off and that is why the brother is frantically runs after her to give the cheese stick he found.
p.s. Thanks for the critique on my story, however, I thought I should let you know I posted my real one. the one you commented on was nothing more than a late night fill in of the premise outline. I realize it comes off very harsh now and isn't too clear. I'm not attacking religion I am attacking the people in the world that dont help others when given the chance too. Wether it be because they are scared to help or because they believe praying will magically help and they themselves don't have to do anything. I'm just trying to show that praying isn't a direct help to somebody such as the case I describe.
I don't really get what the point of this story is... sibling rivalry perhaps? Like Jim said in class before, we need to tell stories that are some of the most dramatic experiences in a character's life. These will be the most intriguing stories for audiences to watch. Instead of a short film, this seems like an episode of a series to me. I think there are much more creative ways to show a sibling rivalry, if that's what you aim to do with your animation. This story also feels like it could be done in real life, so why animate it at all?
As far as the story goes, the girl drops the cheese sticks on the floor when her brother scares her, right? So why couldn't she just pick them up again if she wanted to eat one. (They are individually wrapped, are they not?) When she looks in the fridge then, she is unable to find any more cheese sticks, so why does the brother find one later on in the story? The story just seems a bit illogical to me, and I think you need to work on it some more. I know you've completely changed it from your first draft, but it still doesn't work, for me at least.
At first reading the story I didn't feel as if there was much as far as impact going along with what everybody else said. On the other hand when I was thinking about it I think you could get creative with it and kind of make it like a horror type flick. You could have the sister drop the cheese stick and turn in a Mr. hyde atitude and make the enviornment dark. When the sister is chasing around the brother you could play on the effect of camera shots in horror films. Like show the perspective of the killer or have the camera focused on the brother with music in the background making it very tense then he turns around scares the crap out of the audience as well as the brother and thats when she starts shoving cheese sticks down his throat like a mad man but then he break free goes to the fridge the viewer can only see in the fridge then gets up and you see the out of focus sister but he shows her a cheese stick that he found and tosses it away then runs screaming for the mothers help. Just idea to consider.
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